Wisdom is a Double Edged Sword

 

Contrary to what its rarity might suggest, wisdom is not actually very hard to obtain. In fact, it is one of the few things the Bible states we will be given whenever and no matter how often we ask for it. God does live up to this bargain too, but… if you long for wisdom to stand over others and have the masses come from far and wide to hear of your guidance in order to govern their lives…. give up…. wisdom is not quite what people often think it is…

 

Imagine you found a pair of glasses lying on the ground, and when you put them on you suddenly saw monsters standing all around you. These monsters were always there, and cause great calamity to those who encounter them through injury, corruption, or even destruction… but they are also invisible to most.

 

This is essentially what wisdom is like.

 

The double edged part of wisdom however, comes from how even if you can see things others seem to miss, doesn’t mean you can convince others of the severity of your words. You can call out of course, but most will look forward and see empty space where you call out monsters and proceed to walk in where they are quickly attacked. When they are attacked, they are focused on the damage and so the fact that you warned them of this result is most likely the last thing on their minds meaning future warnings will provide similar effects.

 

Every so often there will be a time when the majority of people realize there is a monster somewhere and will bring people together in arms to escape its clutches. They will question why you are not overwhelmed by the monster they are all terrified of, unaware that you are already overwhelmed by the thousands of others they are still seemingly unaware of.

 

They will usually proceed to mass exodus away from said monster and walk directly into the lair of another. Again, you may call out warnings, but they will not understand. After all, they know there is a monster behind them, and they can see nothing but empty space before them. Why are you trying to prevent them from escaping? Do you want them all to be destroyed??

 

And so you sit, and watch… as countless people run into the same monsters, some times the same person repetitively runs into the same monster…

 

Having the ability to see danger does not mean you will have the ability or power to let others recognize danger…

 

At the same time, will you ever take off the glasses? You know these monsters exist whether you can see them or not. Naivety is not something you can regain once lost. You can choose to have ignorance but that is far from the same and the consequences are far worse… Therefore wisdom, while powerful and impactful for your life, and truly worth pursuing, also comes with the pain of occasionally feeling like you are no more effective than a fortune cookie, writing words that people oo and ahh over and then quickly toss aside as if nothing had changed.

 

Even still, wisdom is worth pursuing… Even still the impacts you have do exist… Even still, you should never stop trying

It Wasn’t a Waste

That course that failed

That job you got let go from

That house you had to give up on

That project that went no where

That career path you can no longer pursue

That relationship that ended

That effort that came back to bite you

It wasn’t a waste…

Though there will be many to tell you it is…

They will point out your failures…

They will tell you how you aren’t getting any younger

How at your age they had accomplished so much more

How they know others your age who don’t struggle like this

How if you were a bit more responsible or reliable you wouldn’t deal with this….

There is no shortage of people in this world who will call you useless, broken, a waste, dead weight, a lost cause….

Don’t be one of them…

Because it wasn’t a waste…

The truth is those who feel they cannot show signs of failure will never be able to keep up with those who embrace it as a way of life….

Because it never was a waste…

You learned from your experiences

You gained skills to carry across

You gained insight few others will have

You gained empathy many others will need

It wasn’t a waste…

But if you throw away your failures and unfinished projects as nothing more than wasted time it will be…

Learn, grow, explore

This life is far less on rails than people will have you believe

Keep on trying!

Because it isn’t a waste

PTSD Therapy Update

Time to do two things I am not overly good at.

 

The first is be open and candid/vulnerable about myself. I’m sure some are thinking “Wait… aren’t pretty much all your posts TMI about things most people would keep private??” But in all honesty I am pretty careful about what I say even though I don’t let it on. The easiest way to hide a closet you don’t want anyone to know about is to put it next to a massive open door. In the same way, the easiest way to keep people from asking about things you don’t want them to ask about is to be super open about other things.

 

I don’t like to talk about my past. Part of that is due to the fact that majority of it is a nightmare of repressed memories that I can easily get pulled into it, but a larger portion is that when I talk about my past it makes me realize how “not normal” the things I’ve experienced have been and how “Different” I am from others. My sense of normalcy is completely broken, and if I’m not always watching myself I can say something naturally that seems totally normal to me but is apparently disturbing to others.

 

In all honesty there have been those who have tried to get me to open up about things I’ve experienced and I’ve lost a number of friendships being accused of destroying their innocence just because I suffered… Even the ones who stay are rarely the same. So ya… talking about my past and the things I’ve experienced… my true feelings and fears is hard for me. Especially when I’m talking to people who know me.

 

The second thing I’m going to do that I’m not good at is talk about mental health. I have a long and awkward history with mental health. Partially because my first encounter with a counselor was with (what I have no come to find) an abnormally horrible one. I was in the Ritalin generation where any kid with a personality was diagnosed as ADHD and given Ritalin and few explanations and considered dealt with. In my case they didn’t just say I had ADHD (which I have recently found out I have never had) but they also said it was too late for me. If they had caught it sooner they might not have been, but as of now I was “A mistake for society to learn from” and “Would never make it past the 7th grade and even then would need my hand held the entire way to make it that far!” ……My bachelors degree and 4.0 GPA would like to have words with those people….

 

The other reason it’s hard for me to talk about mental health comes from my own prideful differences in ideals. Many people who work in mental health focus on the facts. The concrete. Your chemical balances, and genetics. For me, I am abstract. I focus on the heart. Your feelings. Your motivations. Your purpose. I’ve had many arguments where others would say “Your chemicals set your feelings” and I would argue “Your feelings set your chemicals.” and honestly neither side can prove or disprove the other but it’s been a point of tension for over a decade and a half.

 

So this overly long intro in mind… realize it took a large amount of will power and desperation to make the decision a few months ago to pursue counselling and later on PTSD specific counselling.

 

The fact that I had PTSD wasn’t a surprise to me. I knew what caused it, and I’ve known I’ve suffered with it for years. I’ve been locked into memories time and time again where for hours I relive the same fight and either get killed and it restarts, or I survive and it restarts with a harder setup. I’ve had panic attacks especially when cold calling or in crowded places. Just in general, my experience in living seemed different than others. Like we lived in two completely different worlds.

 

What I didn’t realize was how intense it had gotten. Normalizing things is both a very powerful and very terrifying human ability. It allows us to survive things and continue living through hardships, but it also causes us to underestimate just how extreme a situation is provided we are used to it. I knew I was anxious and depress… I didn’t expect they were cases so severe that I would be jumped ahead to the front of the line of a year long waiting list. I knew I had PTSD from one event, I didn’t realize that it had caused me to undersell several other traumatic situations I had experienced since then making it highly likely I’ve entered into the realms of complex trauma.

 

PTSD as well is a topic that is hard to talk about in mixed company. There are a lot of stigmas that come with it… that it only applies to soldiers… that it only comes from people who are violent… that it makes you psychotic and unpredictable… Truth is it’s estimated that 1 in 4 people right now deal with some form of PTSD, and it is probably a lot higher as most go completely untreated. This world is hard and sometimes we can’t process why things happen the way they do. PTSD is our survival mechanisms getting hard wired into the “ON” position forcing us to lose our ability to relax or leave that survival mode.

 

This makes PTSD therapy incredibly difficult to handle…. When I first started PTSD Therapy I stated “It is like Emotional Chemo Therapy…. It’s hard to know if it’s healing you or killing you.” as well as “It’s like the iron door that held my emotions back has been wrenched open and I have no idea how to close it again…”

 

In all honesty though, the best example I can think of for PTSD therapy, is that it’s like the Sun has risen for the first time in your life. And light is good… you need light.. things grow in light… but your first time seeing it it is blinding and painful. It’s also scary, because the scenery around you hasn’t changed, but the light lets you see and understand it better than you ever could before. That dark shadowy area that hurt when you walked through it… You now feel your stomach lurch when you realize you were actually walking through rusty broken metal that gave you tetnis. Alternatively that other shadowy area you’ve avoided because it looked a lot like the first…. You can now see that it was something else different entirely.

 

PTSD therapy does NOT change your situation or what you’ve lived through… but it does help bring into light what was normal and what wasn’t to go through, as well as helps you come to terms with what happened and helps to heal the damage from what you’ve survived.

 

For me personally, the two areas I’ve been really struggling with are self preservation and what right I have to exist…

 

When I dealt with the 6 years of trauma, my purpose was in question. I was dealing with people every day whose philosophy was “We will never kill you, because death is a peace you don’t deserve. Instead you’re going to live each day knowing you have nothing to look forward to but a pain worse than the day before!” and they acted on it. I’ve been gang beat, groped, stripped, cut, pounded, held down, choked, strangled, had my fingers bent back until they made a sickening pop and snap sound only to have them never be the same again… And I’ve seen stuff happen to others beyond what most people are capable of imagining.

 

My life purpose at the time? It was obvious. I was going to die. There was no way I was going to keep living through this. One day I was going to die, and the only thing that could keep me going would be to take down as many of them as I could with me.

 

I got vengeful. I was justified wasn’t I? After all these were bad people who hurt others!

 

But then in Grade 6 I was switched to the Christian school system where the first time in 3 years I was treated like a human instead of a number and a problem. In grade 8, an… annoyingly persistent girl in my class pestered me until I went to her bible study and it eventually led me back to God (which was also the time my bullying era ended) but it made me realize what I had become… and it scared me… and I realized God still loved me in spite of that.. and it broke me…. So now I live for God. And I live to discover what I can put into this world, not what I want to take out of it.

 

But then the question came… what was my purpose in life? What was I worth? I mean… I was still going to die. I was sure of that. How could I have lived through all that and still live?? I had pushed my body far past its limits without letting it rest and there was damage caused. And plus, what place did I have in this world? The people in the Christian school were nice, but they were sheltered and naive. They lived in a completely different world than I knew. They were so blindingly innocent and pure that I felt like anyone who got even close to my blood stained self would be tainted by me. Even the bullies and mean kids were like watching infants trying to be tough. It was more pathetically cute than actually scary.

 

I had no place in this world, but had been left to live a bit longer. I couldn’t let people get close to me because I had been tainted by what I had experienced. And you can’t unlearn what you find out, so if I said too much, I would risk warping these peoples’ lives forever. I decided that the only purpose I had left was to be an outsider and spend whatever life I had left trying to keep people from becoming someone like me.

 

But then something unexpected happened….. I kept living on…. Life continued… And what’s more… I began wanting things… I was lonely… I wanted people to relate to, people I could relax around… I wanted at least one friend who would come up and choose to talk to me no matter who else was in the room. I longed for close connections and acceptance… but I had already decided I didn’t deserve that….

 

So I told myself… As long as I have a small house of my own, get married, raise a family, and have a job that earns enough to get by on…. that would be enough for me. I didn’t need big ambitions or fancy goals… I didn’t need fancy cars or travel the world…. I was alive and didn’t deserve to be. Wasn’t that already more than I could ask for? Wouldn’t asking for anything else be just greedy?

 

So through college I worked hard to achieve that goal… and failed…. my body that I had learned to push past and ignore its limits finally snapped… It took a while to snap completely leaving me in an annoying place where I would work harder than anyone but provide the least results… but then eventually after a false start and starting to question if I had any place in this world at all if I couldn’t even succeed at the basics of survival… it finally broke completely… and that led to these last 2.5 years of doctors, lifestyle changes, deaths, rumors, relational issues, losses, and more….

 

In all honesty I started to feel like I had somehow glitched the system of life… that I was really supposed to have died those years ago, and somehow I had survived and now the world didn’t know what to do with me. It had nothing prepared to let me live but also had no method to get rid of me…. It made sense… after all why was I allowed to live anyways when so many others died? Weren’t they smarter than me? More talented? Stronger? Friendlier? There was no logical reason for me to have gotten through the stuff that I did when they didn’t… Maybe God made a mistake… or maybe worse, maybe this was punishment for all the things I had done! After all, like those people had told me all those years ago… dying isn’t punishment, living without hope is.

 

My mind and heart were such a ball of confusion and hurt. The contradictions between the world people told me about and the world I saw and it was crushing and terrifying.

 

So what was the answer? To tell you honestly I’m still not there yet… I’m still going through PTSD counseling and I’m in a bit of an identity crisis. Things I thought were once strengths now look like weakness to me. People I thought were weak, now seem strong to me. The whole world is confusing, like the training wheels are off and you’re now veering all over the place….

 

But I have learned some things…. First off, I’m starting to realize it’s okay for me to want things. I am allowed to look out for myself a bit even if it’s inconvenient to others. I can’t spend every day living in fear and keeping my distance from people in fears of them being hurt by me. I need to let people in or else I’m never going to get out!

 

Also that I am not cut out for the simple “Just enough” life. Not to say I’m greedy, but… I’ve lived through too much. I know there is hurt and pain in this world and that others are hurting just the same and more! I can’t just sit back and enjoy my life oblivious to others. I’ve lost the luxury of mediocrity… the blessing of naivety… I can’t go back nor do I really want to.

 

I still don’t know why God has kept me alive through all this. He knows there have been MORE than enough opportunities for Him to end it all… but I’m still here… and I do know that He doesn’t just have us live in suffering and torment for the sake of punishment. The suffering we go through is always so that we will come back to Him and better realize that He is stronger and larger than it!

 

I don’t know what you’re going through right now… Perhaps you’re suffering with anxiety or depression… perhaps like me you have full on PTSD….. Perhaps you’re just someone who thinks people who talk about stuff like this are weaklings who aren’t willing to take on life’s problems without whining…. In all those cases… I hope being open about stuff like this will help you see the world differently. Even if not, I hope it will help start a deeper relationship with you than I’ve been able to do while being distant and keeping my own feelings to myself….

 

The truth is I’m not incredibly strong… I fall a lot… I cry… I hurt… I question… I feel completely overwhelmed. But my natural instincts are to lock myself away where no one is looking and suffer alone so no one else has to be taken down with me. But I’m working on that… because even if I’m messy I want to be better…

 

Keep fighting on!

You Can Hate Your Life and Still Be Christian

There is a strong belief that the Christian approach is to always be thankful for your given circumstances. Even if we don’t outright say it, there is still a pressure to “Never complain” and “Always look on the bright side” lest we receive scoldings and “reminders” from well meaning individuals.

 

This is not how we are meant to live though…

 

If we look through the Bible, do we see it say “Joseph was sold as a slave and praised God that he got promoted to head slave!” or “David was forced to flee the country, but at least he had an entire city’s worth of followers so there were others worse off than him.” Do we even read “Job lost his family, his wealth, and was forced to live on the streets scraping off bits of his own skin while his well meaning friends told him to apologize for what he did wrong because that’s the only reason he would be suffering like this……. but at least he HAD experienced wealth and family. Some people don’t even get that!”

 

No. As often as we hear this in our day to day lives, you will not hear the Bible pointing this out. Why? Because life is stinking tough! And yes. All these people who went through hardships WERE still being blessed by God THROUGH said hardships, but that didn’t make the hardships NOT hard!

 

Do you know what IS said in the Bible a lot? Things like “Oh that I would never have been born!” “Curse the day my mother was told she was pregnant!” “God has betrayed me!” “There is no meaning to my life!” “That God would just bring a swift end to me so I could finally know peace!” “Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!”

 

This is tough, hard, non-grateful comments to be given. Some of them almost feel sacrilegious to write! But here’s the thing… God already knows if you’re feeling them. In fact He knows what you’re feeling before YOU know what you’re feeling. He would much rather hear you face Him head on with your worries so He can address them than to let you hide your true feelings from Him because He’ll get angry at you as you haven’t earned that mythological level of bad that will let you complain without someone saying “Someone else has it worse.”

 

Here is a secret to life… It could ALWAYS be worse!

There is no “Sally Saddom” living as a starving orphan in Africa with 20 different health issues, a family destroyed by war, and $100,000 owed in student debts made by a betrayed lover who can truly say “No, she is the one who has it worst”. It can ALWAYS be worse… But you don’t HAVE to have the worst circumstances to have the right to be upset at them!

 

Here is a secret for you: There have been people who have come up to me to complain or ask for advice on things that are troubling them where I’ve thought “Man… I miss when my life problems were that simple…”

 

I have “THOUGHT” it… do I say it out loud? Of course not! In fact, I don’t even think any less of the person for struggling with these problems! Instead you give them a hug. You pray for them. You advise them as best you can and are there to support them and tell them they’re strong to have made it this far. This isn’t a lie. This isn’t pampering. This is true! They are strong to have made it this far! Because life IS tough!

 

So where do we draw the line? Because it’s never as simple as “People are idiots for going to the left so we need to go all the way to the right instead!” no… life is about balance. And even in the Bible, there is a clear distinction between Lament and Whining.

 

To find the answer, let’s look to one of the bigger names in the Bible who was unhappy with his given circumstances and complained about it…. Jesus…

 

Jesus in the garden prayed to the point he cried tears of blood begging God if there could be any other way could they use it. He didn’t even just pray once and get a no… He prayed for HOURS. Think about this for a second. Hours of asking God the same question begging Him for a different circumstance, and He KNEW how it would turn out!

 

But what Jesus said at the end is what makes all the difference. “But your will be done.”

 

See, what keeps us from being the Israelites in the desert isn’t our being happy and thankful for all our circumstances and saying “At least I’m not like ____!” No… what draws the line between lamenting and whining is the surrender that comes after. To accept that even though you hate the current circumstances, God is in control not you. To realize that even though it hurts like crazy right now, God is still active in your life and blessing you.

 

Often times when God does come to address lamenters in the Bible, He doesn’t come to say “You did well, and passed. Now I will bless you for all the pain you experienced!” No… in fact He usually doesn’t address the things the lamenter was lamenting about at all! Instead He talks about the stars, the weather, the nations, the animals, the birds, the fish, the insects, the clouds, the plants, EVERYTHING that exists in creation…. then He says how He is in control of all this… He is in control of your circumstances too.

 

If you are struggling with something… anything right now, and are scared to pray about it because you buy into the Western Church lie that we should be happy and satisfied all the time or we aren’t trusting in God…. don’t be. Read the Bible. It was given to us not so we could have heroes we look up to, but so we could see fellow humans we could relate to. You aren’t the first to question why you are going through what you are. You won’t be the last. If we understood everything we face in life, we wouldn’t need faith to begin with.

 

Bring it to God, He’s strong enough to take it. But in all things in the end, give it back to Him. He is in control not us.

An Empty World

You Will Never Remove Evil From This World…

 

This goes beyond philosophy, theology, or prophesy… It is simply logically impossible to take evil OUT of this world.

 

Imagine you had an empty box and were told to remove the emptiness from it. No matter how hard you dig and pull. No matter what machinery you make or how you position the box. Can you remove the emptiness from the box?

 

If you had a dark room and were told to remove the darkness from it. What could you turn off or remove from the room (aside from walls and a roof) that could take the darkness out of it?

 

In the same way, no matter how much we complain and argue about injustice, hatred, bitterness, and unfairness in this world… we will not remove it. One injustice will simply be replaced by another. More often than not, the new injustice is brought on by the party that fought to remove the previous. For evil is not the opposite of good. Evil is the absence of it!

 

It is not about what we want to take out of this world that matters. It’s about what we want to put into it.

 

You cannot take the emptiness out of a box, but you can fill it with things instead. You cannot remove darkness from a room, but you can fill it with light instead. In the same way, you cannot remove evil from this world, but you can work hard to put something good in it!

 

Now even a full box will still have some empty space. Even a lit room will still have some shadows. Even a world with good in it will still have some bad. But if you spend your life focused on what evil you wish to take out of this world, you will only find yourself left in a cold and empty world that has turned you cold and empty in turn. If you focus on what good, what hope, what light you want to put into this world. Who you want to encourage and empower. You will still have a world that has some cold and dark things in it, but it will not be empty, and you will not stand alone…

I Didn’t Expect This…

There are a lot of things I didn’t expect to have happen these last two years…

 

I didn’t expect my knee and ankle injuries to still be present 2 years later and being told they will probably never heal being forced to walk and carry 10% of what I used to

 

I didn’t expect doctors to find Fibromyalgia, NASH, Tourettes, extreme hypermobility, anxiety, depression, and PTSD while investigating the leg injury

 

I didn’t expect to have to spend a year doing tests in worries that I might have liver cancer (thankfully I don’t)

 

I didn’t expect to be waiting for a year to discover if I had Multiple Sclerosis

 

I didn’t expect to have to remake the majority of my diet and be banned from majority of my favourite foods and drinks

 

I didn’t expect to find out that all those people I had been chasing to keep up with were 4-6 levels lower on the pain scale than me with several times my energy

 

I didn’t expect my headaches and brainfog to get this bad

 

I didn’t expect to become bound to Ontario doctors

 

I didn’t expect to need to get 14-20 painful injections directly into my nerve endings every week

 

I didn’t expect some people to react the ways they did

 

I didn’t expect to have a good number of relatives also get diagnosed with autoimmune diseases

 

I didn’t expect my dog to die

 

I didn’t expect my grandmother to die

 

I didn’t expect my grandad to die

 

I didn’t expect any of my friends to die

 

I didn’t expect family dynamics to change as much as they did

 

I didn’t expect to be fighting 500-1000 other applicants for pretty much every job

 

I didn’t expect the job market to be this bad even with a bachelors degree you gained with the highest honors the school could give you and seven years of work experience

 

I didn’t expect unemployment stats to be so different from reality that most people wouldn’t realize how bad it actually is out there

 

I didn’t expect the freelancers to tell you to get a dayjob to get the certification and training you need to be profitable and the dayjobs to suggest freelancing to earn money until the market could be better to get a dayjob

 

I didn’t expect to feel like I’d be running into walls and spinning my wheels this long

 

I didn’t expect to have my entire perceptions of self worth and reality so battered and questioned by the ruthlessness of reality

 

I didn’t expect so many sleepless nights. Sometimes from pain, sometimes from fear, stress, and heartbreak

 

I didn’t expect to cry so much

 

I didn’t expect to feel like dry heaving so often

 

I didn’t expect stress and despair to be this bad

 

I didn’t expect to be scared of things looking hopeful as it usually lines me up for another sucker punch directly after

 

I didn’t expect hope and future to seem so far away

 

I didn’t expect all this and more….

 

But even in all this… all this junk… that’s terrifying and depressing. That keeps you up at night and makes you wonder what you’re still fighting for… In all this… there is still good that has been done…

 

A relationship with parents that have improved considerably

 

A desire to improve myself both by health and study

 

A university degree that I was scared to face (because I was never very academic) that I not only got but managed to get the 4.0 GPA on by the grace of God

 

A chance to be there for my mother and father in their times of grieving so they wouldn’t have to face them alone

 

A realization that I wasn’t so weak that my best is still laziness to others. I was strong enough to keep up with people who should have been miles ahead of me

 

Losing the luxury of mediocrity which has forced me to shoot for the stars whether I hit them or not

 

Being forced to face monsters I have put off facing for too long

 

Getting a chance to meet with and start to understand the vast majority of the world who have “Fallen through the cracks” of most people’s lives

 

2 laps of the Bible and counting

 

Study of advanced topics such as programming, accounting, business analysis, project management, and more

 

A deep look into numerous industries and companies that most people have never even heard of

 

A chance to understand how “I” work, not how I’m expected to work

 

A chance to see there is still value to a life that others cannot see value in

 

Being forced to learn to ask for help and look out for me a bit (Two things I really stink at. I’d rather help and focus on you)

 

A chance to daily live seeing how even when everything around you is falling apart… God is in control.

 

Does this mean I like living like this? No! I pray daily…. no… more like hourly that this time of life will change. There are things I have gotten stronger on, but there is also a lot of damage that is being done that, Lord sparing; will take a while to heal…

But even when things seem hopeless… there are still good things being done. Even when loss is great… there are still things you are gaining… Even when you are being repetitively shoved down again… there is still opportunity to get back up

 

Some people ask “How can you still believe in God when so much has happened??” To which I say two things:

 

1. What difference would it make if I didn’t? Nothing will change if there is no God… I’m already trying my hardest. I’m not gonna suddenly try harder if there is no deity watching over me. In fact I’d probably give up in despair. Nothing changes if there is no God… Everything changes if there is one!

 

2. The fact that things are SO bad… the timing is SO perfect… The loss of things that matter most to me… the gaining of experiences I fear most… It is so customized perfect beyond what is statistically possible by chance… there has to be a God. Because whether it is by God’s hand it happened or by God’s hand it was allowed to happen… if there is someone fighting THIS hard to make me give up believing on God, it must mean there is a God they REALLY don’t want me to believe in. There is no reason to work THIS hard and precisely to make someone lose faith if there was nothing for them to have faith in in the first place.

 

So ya… It’s been hard. I don’t want any of this. I want to wake up tomorrow being healthy with a full time job, a relationship, a house, a new car that isn’t threatening to break down at any second, and enough money to pay off debts and live off of. Of course I want that. Who wouldn’t? But one of the things God’s been really working on me is to realize He isn’t a sadist. He doesn’t punish us because we are a “disgrace to him. People who death is too good for. You should learn to live in a hellish experience where each day will be worse than the last” like humans I knew told me long ago…

 

He is our heavenly Father. He sent His son to die on the cross for us, not so he could torment us but so He could save us. He is also a master creator. His plans are intricate and use both pain and pleasure to guide us to heights greater than we ever thought we would reach on our own.

 

So thank you if you got this far reading through this overly personal post. Yes it betrays all things of society, job hunting, and social media responsibility to be this open about skeletons we feel we should keep in our closet, but I am open about it for two main reasons:

 

1. We all live in pain. We hide our pain to look as good as those around us who only look good because they are hiding their pain to look as good as we look. This is idiotic. I have found more good can come from admitting we are human beings who struggle and fight forward through pain, than leading people to believe we are strong heroes immune to pain. I want people to know. This isn’t easy for me. I am struggling. I am crying. I feel like everything about me is being broken. Like I am left out to dry. There are days I am meh, there are days I am angry, there are days I’m scared out of my whits! Know that I am not strong…. I didn’t think I would make it past November 2017! God who is strong has brought me this far.

 

2. Because I want you to know how much I am hurting. How much I am questioning. How empty I feel right now. Not so you can pity me, but so you can know the weight of when I say “GOD IS STILL GOOD!” Because anyone can say “God is so good!” when everything is going well again. Anyone can give a teary smiley testimony about how God saved them from their lowest point… But I want you to know right here and now… at what is most likely the lowest point that I have experienced. I may not be able to say it every day. I may not be able to fully understand it. But no matter my circumstances. No matter what I am going through. No matter what fate God has in store for me…. GOD IS STILL GOOD! He always has been, He always will be

 

Amen

Blessing in Suffering

Abraham may have spent his life wandering, never seeing his descendants “Become a great nation”… but still was blessed wherever he went.

 

Joseph may have spent a long time as a slave and a prisoner in Egypt, but he was still the HEAD slave and HEAD prisoner.

 

Moses may have spent the last 40 years of his life wandering the wilderness with a bunch of complainers, but still he lived to around 120, and still had perfect vision and strength. Yeesh! His shoes didn’t even wear out!

 

David may have had to wait after being told he would be the next king while he was out back as a Shepard, and later on pursued by Saul for years trying to kill him through every means possible. But even has an outcast David had an army of supporters. He was even accepted by the very people he fought against.

 

We often mistake “God not putting us where we want to be” with “God not working in our lives at all.” But even in the hardest times, God is there.

 

We often think things like “My life can never get any worse!” but… not to be depressing…. but it honestly can. The problem of hitting the bottom of the barrel is that the barrel has many false bottoms to it…

 

So what? Are we failing as Christians if we don’t enjoy the fact that we are sitting in kind of hot oil but still not boiling oil? Of course not! God does not ask us to become masochistic. I have heard it said in regards to martyrs that there is no glory in seeking death for a cause. The glory comes from holding onto what you believe in even if doing so will lead to death.

 

Every one of those people mentioned prayed to God REPETITIVELY for their situations to change. Some even got to see it change.

 

The thing isn’t about enjoying your life doing the things you hate. Nor is it the belief that “If you truly are strong in your faith God should reward you with everything you desire.” The trick is to, even on the paths we do not wish to tread, see the beauty and protection of God throughout it. Not so that we will love the path, but so we can remind ourselves that even here in this dark place, God is still working in our lives. And if God is still working in our lives, that means He can not only rescue us, but use this to make us stronger.

 

So take comfort in that! Not that the path is lovely, but that God is still with us through it.

Job’s Comforters

I have been rereading Job (which is a horrendously undersold book… especially if you are struggling) and I think one of the scariest aspects of it is just how much we undersell Job’s comforters.

 

We tend to view Job’s comforters as “Well they just didn’t get God’s will!” or “Well they were just weak in their faith!” as we do to many people that the Bible say were wrong…. but if you look closely at what Job’s comforters said, you realize….

 

They actually were 98% right….

 

There observations were pretty accurate. Their wisdom shines through in their words. These were wise men giving advice. Probably pretty high in rank too. They were 98% right…. the only place they failed was that they systematized God, and extrapolated His will from it.

 

And how often do we do that ourselves??

 

We often lose sight of how real the people in the Bible are… because the Bible clearly tells us (most of the time) “These people did right. These people did wrong.” This can give us a big head. It can make us blind to our own lives thinking “But we haven’t lost sight like them!”

 

We can….. so easily we can….The Pharisees, Job’s Comforters, Israel in the desert…. We can and DO fall for those traps so very very often.

 

Remember: Following God is not a chemical equation. This is not a system we memorize and follow. It is a relationship!

God leads us all differently. We go through and experience things differently based on who we are and where we are skilled and not. Where one person the door is open, the other the door may be shut. Where one may be allowed to test God 4 times to prove it is Him, another may be told off the moment he tries to test God.

 

What stays consistent for all of us however, is that God loves us. That God pushes us to grow. That if we follow God, all things we will experience; both benefit and loss, are for our good and for His glory.

 

Beware the trap of only seeing the results. Remember there are many ways to reach the same results. Remember there are many paths that lead from each result. Know what you can and cannot see. Pray and give advice accordingly

A Simple Reminder

Have You Ever Heard Any of the Following??

 

-“If you think that’s bad you should hear what ____ is going through!”

 

-“Well there are people who have it worse than you!”

 

-“___ is going through ____. Makes you feel better about your own issues now doesn’t it??”

 

-“At least you aren’t dealing with _____”

 

…I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t heard something like these in their life…. and I think I’ve met just as many people who have found it to be encouraging or improve their view of their current situation…

 

We often judge “life circumstances” based on a level of “severity” which is entirely based on what we ourselves feel like we could or could not handle… This isn’t how suffering works though. Suffering is about the severity of the change, not what you change into. The acceleration, not the velocity if you will.

 

I live in chronic pain throughout my whole body. There are costs to this. Bad headaches, an inability to keep up with others physically… there are definite hardships that come from dealing with this… but I’ve been like this for over twenty years now. I didn’t even realize other people didn’t deal with this until two years ago. For me, waking up with sore and stiff muscles is just business as usual. For others who are used to not feeling in pain, it is a limiting factor that makes it hard for them to do anything. It isn’t what you are dealing with that controls how big a crisis it is for you. It is how much it differs (negatively) from what is the norm for you.

 

And so I’m going to say three things that I personally find IS encouraging to people who are dealing with hardships. (Spoiler Alert: Literally everyone is to some extent). It is something I’ve said a few times before; but something I feel people still need to hear… at least until they finally appreciate just how large the implications of it are…. They are three things that I don’t need to know your life circumstances to know it applies to you… in fact; I don’t even need to know YOU to know it applies to you! It applies to all of us who have lived long enough to read this post.

 

1. What You are Going Through IS Hard!!!!

 

Don’t belittle it!

Don’t be ashamed of how much you’re struggling with it!

Don’t be afraid to talk about it lest you be made fun of!

Don’t think you are just some weakling for struggling with something like this!!

 

I don’t care if you are starving with no money to buy groceries, or you’re having a down day because you accidentally hit a squirrel on your way into work… What you are going through IS hard because to YOU it is hard!

 

Remember… Being strong doesn’t mean you will never struggle… that just means you’ve never been tested. Being strong means that you will keep fighting forward in spite of struggling!

 

Don’t shame yourself for struggling. Everyone does it and it is honestly what drives us to grow. Accept your struggles. Mourn if you need to. But then get ready to pick yourself up again, because there are still two more things to say!

 

2. You are NOT Alone!!!!

 

I know how it feels… no one checks in on you…. or maybe you’re the one everyone turns to but have no one to turn to yourself… maybe you feel like you’ve just messed up so much that no one cares… maybe you think no one ever did care…

 

These are lies! The fact that you have lived this long… no matter what you’ve gone through… no matter how much you’ve felt neglected on… the fact that you are still breathing right now means you are not abandoned… because human beings are not self sufficient like that!

 

In addition to that; human beings aren’t isolated creatures… Every life we interact with we touch, and they touch our lives the same. Even the barista you bought your coffee from this morning… that 2 minute exchange can have an effect on them and on you as well.

 

Whether it be family, friends, a church, or professional services… I promise you there are people out there who care about your well being and may even help you if you ask. You are not a nobody. No one is! Your life is precious and one of a kind. Irreplaceable and needed. You Matter!

 

3. You CAN Get Through This!!!

 

It’s easy to feel like it’s too much… like you’ve messed up too badly… that the mountain in front of you is too big and it’s too late anyways… You look at your friends around you holding the things you want… Yeesh! You see those kids 10 years younger than you getting the things you should have by now and think “What did I do with my life??? Why am I so bad at this?? What even is the point anymore?!?!?!?!”

 

Life doesn’t run on rails!

 

In spite of what we often think, there is no set path to life. No time schedule (well for the most part. They do apparently frown on taking nap time past kindergarten but hey!) There is no quota or even order you are supposed to meet.

 

Life is a walk through the wilderness. A winding path which each person travels differently. Don’t feel like you failed just because someone is further ahead walking down a straight path while you traverse hills and curves. You are gaining things you will need down the way that they don’t even know exist anymore!

 

But it can be scary… and hard. Well meaning people will often ask you when you will get your life together, or if you are even trying. On top of that, most resources and systems that people rely on are tuned assuming people are all walking the same road… You are not a pedestrian though. You are a trailblazer! You need to think… be creative… look for what you are gaining and think of how you can use it to your advantage!

 

Your mountains may not seem much smaller as you continue to walk down the path…. in fact, there may be days they seem much bigger…. but guess what. You’re going to be bigger too. You may not always succeed just for giving life your best; but you will always grow. No matter how many times you fall, as long as you get up, you will be a little stronger than before.

 

Keep walking the path before you. Trust the one who set you on it. There is no “Game Over” screen in life until you die. No matter how far you think you’ve fallen… you are not beyond getting back again. Keep walking until you realize that you’ve gained more on this journey than you’ve ever lost.

 

 

So, I don’t know what you’re dealing with right now. Maybe you’re struggling with singleness. Maybe you’re struggling with unemployment. Maybe you’re struggling with not being a parent. Maybe you’re struggling just with life never seeming to work out. You could be wanting to just give up… having lost all motivation to get out of bed in the morning. You could be scared out of your mind and hiding from all the things that could be wrong. You may even be considering destructive behaviours to distract yourself, or even just ending it all as there’s no real point left anyways….

 

Whatever you’re going through… no matter how bad you feel… no matter what well meaning people have told you in the past that has pushed you farther down the path…. let me tell you right here and now….

 

What you’re going through IS hard! Don’t be ashamed to struggle with it!

 

You are NOT alone! Don’t feel like no one cares if you live or die, and don’t be afraid to ask others for help even for things you feel like you SHOULD be able to carry yourself.

 

You CAN get through this! Don’t give up before you see where this road ends.

 

Keep on fighting 🙂

Two Years

Welp, two years ago today this crazy road began.

 

I say began, but I had already been on that road for 20 some years at that point. It just got significantly harder and forced me to realize I was on a road those around me were not.

 

-These last 6 years have been rough

 

-These last 2 years have been deadly

 

-I’m still unsure how I’ve made it through these last 7 months.

 

There have been many hits… and quite honestly I’m just tired at this point…

I’ve dealt with:

-Tests that backfired and caused more damage;

-Coping methods that are 10 minutes of extreme pain for almost a week of survivability;

-Increased headaches and brain fogs as most of my coping methods have been taken out of my diet;

-Short sighted rumors spread and the backlash that came from them;

-Pets dying,

-Relatives dying,

-The lifestyle I knew being torn apart.

-Constant pain no matter what I do

A world without a safe zone… a place to relax or think through everything that has happened. It’s honestly been so long since I’ve known what it feels like to…. feel… excitement? Happiness? Relief? Worry, anxiety, exhaustion, and regret have been my closest friends.

 

After two years of clawing at walls in an attempt to even slow the descent, I stand here fairly battered and bruised. You want the future to come, but there are days you wonder what’s even left to survive?

 

But then let’s look at what was gained in this time.

Because I may have lost a lot, and feel wiped out…. but the thing about hardships is that it builds our muscles and causes us to grow.

Besides, I never write these things just so I can whine about my life… but for the sake of all those who have told me they can relate.

I’m open and honest about how much it hurts and how weak I am, because there is no shame in admitting you’re weak. You may as well have shame for having two ears or a nose! It kind of comes with who we are.

 

But there has been growth as well throughout the hardships. Good news amidst the sorrows.

It was finally proven that I didn’t have liver cancer. That is a diagnosis I was more than thankful for.

 

God not only let me (the kid who was told by counselors he wouldn’t make it past grade 7 for context) graduate with a bachelor’s degree but even managed to gain Summa Cum Laude for getting a 4.0 GPA in every class!

 

I have had to become a lot more conscientious about things… My exercise, my diet, my finances… Sure this is also a bother. I’d much rather be eating triple patty burgers with pop, sit back, and go to Europe once a year like those around me…. but these aren’t bad skills to learn… and they mean I’ll be able to do more with less when the time comes again.

 

I lapped the Bible. Read through it once, and now am halfway through on lap two. There’s a lot of things I’ve managed to pick up on through reading it this way as well. I definitely recommend doing it cover to cover at least once in your life.

 

People are still as loud and obnoxious as ever… and I’d be lying if I didn’t say there are still twinges of bitterness as to those who lied to others about why I lost my last job, why I live at home, the validity of my condition, or have even told my parents to throw me out of the house for my own good and theirs… But at the same time… the world has gotten a lot larger around them as the world they live in has gotten so much smaller.

So much of our world just runs on rails of what is the right way to live our lives. What is expected of us. So many people fall through the cracks of this illusion. There are many people out there who are introverted, highly sensitive, chronic illness, shy, unemployed, in debt, or more… and in spite of what those on rails say; these people are NOT weak all the time! Actually, often times I’d say they have far more strength than those who maintain their illusion of the “Majority”

 

Speaking of the world not being on rails… I’ve learned how to find the un-walked path a lot better.

You can get into pretty much any industry easily for a lot of effort and $5000.

Want to publish a book? The publisher wants $5000 for professional marketing and editing. Want to get into Voice Over? Well unless you have a $500 demo that only comes after $4000 worth of lessons to go on your $40 website…. no one will ever dream of looking at you! Want to learn a language? Sure! Just spend $5000 on lessons! Streaming? Set up. Sales? Products. Accounting? Certification. Programming? Computer Degree. The list goes on, and each industry will tell you it is the ONLY way in!

 

Listen… There is NOT only one way forward because the people who founded these paths didn’t have these luxuries to begin them. If you can afford them, take them. It’s much easier to stay on the main road. But don’t let yourself feel trapped because every industry wants $5k just to reach the starting line!

 

I’ve also learned to do the best I can with what I have. Because I don’t have much. About 10 months ago, I was driving to Toronto with my laptop in my car and it struck me “If I got into an accident right now I’d lose pretty much 100% of the marketable assets I have left!” But do what you can with what you have! Don’t worry about the results! Don’t worry about the end goal! Don’t freeze in place because of how much lies before you! Focus on taking one more step right now! Then do a step after that! A step after that! And a step after that! Move at your own pace! Don’t let others berate you for it!

 

I’ve learned the importance of rest. There are days I wish I was even half as lazy as people assume I am. Each day, I do physio exercises, I make meals, I apply for jobs, I study language, business, and computer sciences, I read my Bible, I pray, I clean, I try to keep in contact with people from over 12 different countries…. I’ve learned there are days I need to just rest…. and I am not a failure for doing so!

 

I am not sure who made up the belief that you are ineffective if you take breaks. It was very short sighted and dumb. People are an investment. Not an asset. Give them rest and they will come back more awake, refreshed, and more effective towards you!

 

A large eye opener for me was when I started taking the nerve blocks and went from a 6-7 to a 4-5 on the normal pain scale…. I saw how much energy I had given back to me… I realized just how lazy those people who said I wasn’t working hard were if they were sitting at a 1-2 and had THAT much energy! I also realized how much I really needed to pace myself and take rest.

 

One of the big ones I learned was to ask for help. From doctors, from friends, from others. I have never wanted to be a burden to others. I was put into a place where I was forced to be. I was forced to realize it was okay, and to do it more often. We can’t make it through this life on our own. Stop trying!

 

My relationship with my parents hit a major improvement through these last two years. I think the same way that all kids; usually in their mid teens, though if they’re more responsible usually in their early-mid twenties; hit a point where they realize their parents’ AREN’T right on everything, and they have to decide how much they’ll cling to what they were taught, and how much they’ll decide to do differently that we call “rebellious phase.” I think every parent falls into the trap of believing “I know my kids better than anyone! Even better than they know themselves!” which of course means they stop looking for how you’ve grown and changed and start missing things. These last two years have forced communication to open up again… and it has been incredibly healing.

 

So here we stand as year three of this all starts…

my mountains seem no smaller, but the world seems a lot bigger. Honestly I don’t know what lies ahead, and if it weren’t for God I’d really see no point in even trying. (Yeesh! I was burnt out November of 2017!) But I remind myself… even though I don’t want to be paying off the debts of these last 2 years until I’m 40. Even though I don’t want to be alone nor living at home. Even though I don’t want to be a burden to my parents who have done so much to help me through all this. I know that if God wants me to stay here then there is nothing I can do to stop it and He will provide through it. I also know that He has taken people from prisoners to second in command of a country over night throughout the Bible. If God wants to… no mountain is too high for Him to topple.

 

I do however pray that this third year… God just does something ridiculous. Partially for the selfish reason that I am wiped out… emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausted… I don’t have anything more to give unless He gives it.

 

At the same time though, I want Him to do something ridiculously from Him because I think this world, ESPECIALLY in the church… needs a reminder. We DON’T serve a dead God! It is NOT by OUR works but by what HE does THROUGH us!

 

“You may say to yourself ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ but remember the Lord your God for it is He who gives you the ability to produce wealth!” – Deuteronomy 8:17-18

 

In the end, it is not my place to command God. If it were, He wouldn’t be God! I would be! But I humbly concede that everyone’s success; from the greatest saint to the lowest tyrant; only has success because He has allowed it. And I cling to hope that He is merciful and does all things for our good.

 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to this broken man’s ramble. I pray that it was encouraging for you, and that you find hope in it. Remember you are not alone!