Lessons From Weakness:

It’s been over 5.5 months since I injured both my legs, and I still have over a month to go before my appointment which will take me (potentially only one step) closer towards finding out if I’ve really had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or not (which the more I research it, the more I’m surprised of, if nothing else, how many people have lived through surprisingly similar stuff as me) and there has honestly been a lot that I’ve learned. Some positive, some negative, but all of which can be used to either make you grow kinder or harder hearted.

 

  1. It’s Surprising What You Can be Secretly Confident/Proud Of:

 

I have never considered myself to have that strong of an upper body, (though a lot of people apparently thought I did since I’m short and stocky…) but I had always been proud of my leg strength. They honestly always felt like they were made of solid iron. I could leap several feet away with a flick of my ankle, I could jump off walls, my sense of balance was pretty awesome, and mixed with a quick reaction time, there wasn’t much I felt I couldn’t do with them.

 

Ever since the injury however, walking on them has felt like they were being supported by bones of shattered glass. They randomly start shaking and give out on me. I tip over, or roll my ankle quite often, and quite honestly, merely stomping, jumping, jogging, or bracing myself feels like a series of tiny fractures popping all the way up my leg at once.

 

Where once my legs were the force I could rely on, their strength now pales in comparison to my upper body strength… and I’m not gonna lie, that’s hard to take.

 

  1. You’re Gonna Still Feel Like You Should be Able to do The Things You Once Did, And Will Feel Like a Wuss for Failing:

 

There are so many times these days that I go to lift something that originally was barely even noticeable, only to find me having to put it down 4 steps later lest your legs collapse underneath you. And you mentally kick yourself for it.

 

Because you know “It’s not heavy” that “This isn’t hard.” that “If I just push myself I could do it.” But that’s your muscle memory talking… not your body.

 

I honestly thought that if you suddenly lost half your strength, trying to lift 25lbs would just feel like lifting 50lbs did. But that’s not the way it works. 25lbs, still feels like 25lbs, but your body will NOT carry it long before screaming at you for being an idiot trying to carry it across the yard.

 

  1. The Pain is Not the Worst Part:

 

People don’t like pain… I have come to discover this… I don’t like pain… this is why, when I discovered people don’t normally live in chronic pain 24/7 I felt kinda jipped/furious! But the fear of pain will always be worse than pain itself.

 

If you live in pain long enough, your body will start to try and mask it out. On a lower level this works fairly well… you may notice you have less headaches if you take a painkiller instead of having your body try and compensate (though you will instantly regret that decision once the painkiller wears off) but when the pain grows to certain levels, it turns into a maddening numbness.

 

If you have ever pulled an all-nighter, you may know what this feeling is like. It essentially feels like your brain is too big for your skull. Like the parts of your body are layered on top of you vs actually being a part of you. This mixed with the feeling like your body is honestly hollow (Like mentioned above) creates this very surreal and rather unpleasant feeling that honestly, I would rather live without.

 

The worst part of all though, is when your body just “Gives out.” it’s not that you’re tired. It’s not that you notice your muscles aching because you’re pumping so much stinking adrenaline… but you’ll be walking along and suddenly *BAM* it just tries to collapse under you. You try to pick yourself up again only to find it doesn’t work… it is such a helpless feeling and honestly you feel ridiculously vulnerable during it. It is hard to take.

 

  1. There Really is a Bias About Guys and Manual Labor:

 

This one’s gonna get me in trouble… but I’m sorry… it’s real. And it’s frustrating. The amount of times people look at you like you’re the scum of the earth because you can’t be the uber strong guy doing uber strong things is ridiculous!

Not wanting to touch on this too long because I feel the angry mob forming outside with every word I type, but all I can say is this… the same way it’s frustrating for a girl to be told they can’t do ____ physical job, it’s frustrating to be told they’d rather not hire guys for _____ mental job. I mean I have a diploma in business, am acing a BA in business, taught myself to hold a basic conversation in Japanese, am teaching myself programming, write essay length Facebook statuses on rather advanced topics that was asked to be turned into a blog (check out www.macyaks.wordpress.com for shameless plug), can write professional business letters off the top of my head, am able to manipulate large amounts of variables in my head at one time, basically think in Gant charts, am a certified Excel Specialist, and more! I have abilities! Please stop judging my worth by how many heavy boxes I can move in how short a time!

 

  1. There are Many Ways to Keep Moving:

 

Life changes… you find yourself struggling to do things that you couldn’t do before. You’ll find it hard to carry down your laundry, to carry in your groceries, to drive for long periods of time, walk on uneven ground… there are so many things that change so quickly… but that doesn’t mean you just roll over and die.

There are many ways to move forward. If you can’t push past something, look for a way to work around it. Put it on wheels. Go down one step at a time. Cruise Control is an amazing invention. Park benches are as well. You may have to give more thought, but you don’t have to give up!

 

  1. It is Alright to Admit It Hurts:

 

This is one of the hardest parts for me. It’s one I’ve struggled with for a long time. However, reading through life stories and testimonies of people suffering from EDS I’ve come to realize I’m really not alone on this.

 

It is alright to say you hurt…. in fact, if you don’t say you hurt, no one is going to know.

 

Some people will roll your eyes. Others may try to tactfully trick you into “Growing up.” but realize these people can’t live in your body. Nor can you live in theirs. We can say “I’m in pain.” but what does pain feel like? Do we all feel it the same way? Are we all used to the same level?

 

The concept that someone can live with a distracting level of throbbing/stabbing pain in multiple parts of their body 24/7 without having a visible injury or doctor’s note saying “Their bones are broken.” is ludicrous to some people. Their bodies have never worked that way…

 

But the thing is, if they just continue believing your body feels as healthy as theirs is, you’re just going to frustrate and confuse them when they wonder why you can’t keep up with the same activities they do.

 

Admit it’s hard for you. If they can’t accept that from you, they would’ve never accepted you in the first place.

 

  1. You Will Get MANY Mixed Reactions:

 

We live in a world of polarized extremes. “Invisible Disabilities” seems to be a word that drives people to their respective pitchforks and torches.

 

Half the people you talk to will cry out “You need to go to your government! And demand that they give you supplements! You need support workers! And medication! And we will rally with signs to protest for you! (which not gonna lie is kind of encouraging to have people fight so hard for you… even if in some cases it’s more they want to have a cause to get behind)

 

The other half will cry out about how “Kids these days are such wusses! You just need to get out and exercise! Get desperate! Light a fire under you backside and put your nose to the grindstone! Then things will look up! You just haven’t really tried yet!” (and admittedly there are times you want to slap these people upside the head and yell “IF EFFORT WAS THE PROBLEM THEN YOU GUYS WOULD BE FAILING MORE THAN I AM RIGHT NOW!” but honestly, they do mean well, and there are a bunch of people taking advantage of the system, but ya… tact people, tact)

 

The truth though is… you are what you are… they are what they are… people will either accept that or not accept that, but reality is reality…. Keep fighting to give your best, not to keep up with them, but because that’s how we grow as human beings! You are neither entitled to an easier life than most, nor condemned to a miserable one trying to keep up with others.

 

  1. Your Best is Good Enough…. (But it Will Rarely Feel Like It!):

 

You hear it a lot these days: “Just give your best! Don’t worry about the results! Just keep giving it your all and realize that things will always work out for someone who gives their best! Great things happen for those who give their best! You can accomplish anything if you only give your best!”

 

But here’s the thing… Just because you give your best… doesn’t mean you’ll hit the standard…

 

No matter how hard you try, a failing grade is still a failing grade

No matter how hard you try, if you go broke you go broke

No matter how hard you try, if you’re unemployed, you’re unemployed

No matter how hard you try, if you can’t afford food you starve

 

There is a reality that people rarely talk about… either the people who write these posts are lucky enough to never reach those points of worry, or they just try not to think about these parts. But these problems nag at you. And all the inspirational speeches in the world can’t compete with the frustrations you feel.

 

But here’s the thing. You’re still growing! You may not be able to deal with the threats that are stressing you out right now. But you are still growing! You’re growing wiser! You’re growing stronger! You’re growing more compassionate! Don’t underestimate what you’re earning through these times!

 

Our life experiences may not always be pleasant… they may be painful, and they may feel like we can’t get what we want. But if you just throw these moments away as “Wasting your life.” That is all you’ll have…. Years of your life that you’ve just thrown away, when you’ve learned so much through that time that WILL help you for years in the future! Don’t underestimate the value of what you’ve learned!

 

  1. God’s Still in Control:

 

You’re not here to please others. You’re not here to acquire great wealth or power. You’re not even here to survive as long as you can manage. These are not the keys to your success or failure! You are here to serve God and go where He leads. You are here to see the amazing things He can do through you.

 

Once again, this is a touchy subject because of the divide. Beyond the “Religion/IHATERELIGION” sides which seem to be growing more and more volatile these days, there is also, within the church the “God will give you everything/God wants you to provide for yourself.” Sides which grow further and further apart ever spurned by their fear of the other.

 

God will provide for you… I cannot begin to point out how many verses in the Bible point this out. Even the parable of the talents that many like to turn to as to say “LOOK! GOD WANTS US TO TAKE CHARGE AND MAKE OUR OWN WAY!” ….let me point out, that

  1. a) They did not “earn” money, they invested it
  2. b) The servant was not scolded for not earning money, he was scolded for doing nothing with his talent
  3. c) God was the one who gave them the talents in the first place, not them.

 

God will provide for us. God WANTS us to rely on Him. This is not to say, “Oh just C’est la Vie! Life will do what life will do, but God will save my butt no matter what I do!” no… the Bible is also very clear that that is ALSO not right…. But stop beating yourself up over what you will eat and where you will sleep… God literally says that He’s got that covered. (Full disclosure: I rarely sleep or eat for fear of these two so I am not condemning you as weak if you are worried about it, just reminding you of what’s promised.)

 

But realize as well, that God providing doesn’t mean He’ll prepare the path YOU want… in fact it usually means the reverse of that.

 

We like our control. Well… let’s be honest, I’ve never met a human in my life who is truly in control of their life so… we like our ILLUSION of control. Whether we’re being led by our emotions, our desires, our fears, or our idols, we like to believe we are the ones taking charge of our lives and plowing the way.

 

God doesn’t beat around the bush. He isn’t here to give you freedom and power to make your dreams come true. He is here to lead you down the path He has in store for you and grow closer in relationship with you in order to show you the good He can do through you as well as how much your dreams PALED in comparison to His reality!

Though the road may be scary. Though you may lose things you thought you could not do without. Realize He’s got you and He’s still looking out for you!

Don’t run off the road when things look scariest and you want to grab the wheel and run for where you think looks safest… those are the times you need to rely on Him most! Don’t make a dark situation even worse! He doesn’t just want to make you happy, He wants to make you mighty! He made you, He knows you, He loves you. TRUST!

 

  1. You Haven’t Lost Until You Give Up!

 

I used to say “You haven’t lost until you’re dead.” But this isn’t entirely true… There are many who did not succeed until after they died.

 

Don’t give up. The moment you do, it’s all over. But as long as you keep fighting, there’s still a chance you’ll succeed!

 

You’ve come too far to give up! We are far too limited in our perspective of the here and now to see just how the present will be used in the future… but nothing is wasted. No effort is useless. No life accomplishes nothing.

You are strong.

You are influential.

You’ve got this!

Hang in there

 

 

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A Prayer of Exhaustion

A prayer for when pushed past your limits:
 
Lord I am scared. I am worn out, defeated. I wake up dreading each new day, I go to bed late not wanting the day to end. I’ve given you my best, but it consistently has fallen far short as has been needed, and quite honestly I can’t even tell which way is forward anymore let alone how to get there.
 
But still YOU are GOD.
 
I pray that you save me. That you give me a path forward. For I am weak and cannot walk this path anymore. But even moreso I pray that if this is truly the path you would have me walk that you give me the strength to move forward. For how many could you save through one servant’s suffering? How many years of blessings could you bring in turn for this short period of pain?
 
I am broken, and in pain. I have lost so much yet still fear losing more. Each time I feel I’ve hit bottom, I am shown that there is still lower I can and will go. But more than my fear of losing what I have… I fear leaving your plans when they are still only half finished.
 
No matter where I am, nor what I have, nor what I am dealing with, you are watching over me, and you will provide. Even if many of my things I think I need go unanswered… even if I feel powerless watching those around me hurt and suffer knowing I have nothing left to give them… you will still provide when it is truly needed. You will let me feel the heat. You may even let me scorch. But you will not let me be destroyed.
 
Lord I pray again for I am scared. I am truly afraid and terrified. Yet I have seen your hand working so clearly throughout this all. I have seen you again and again working even if not in the areas I wish you were. Lord I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. These giants in my life are far larger than me. And I lay here chained in place half by my own doings. Lord forgive me for what sins I have done to bring me to this place, but also do not let your work be hampered by my own weakness. Lord to me these chains are lethal. Choking and restraining. To you they are brittle. Petty and weak.
 
Lord. I pray not for you to save me. Though I truly desire to be saved. I pray that you use me. That you use these circumstances to help me grow, and to encourage those around me. What a waste of suffering it would be if you brought me this far just to bring me back to where I left off. Lord I pray. I am not some victim struggling to survive. I am YOUR servant! Servant of the most high God!
 
Lord, if you are willing, I pray that you take this meager life, and use it to create an impact that only you can. For what do I have but you? What can I get that is not from you?
 
Lord, strengthen my heart, widen my understanding. Let these things soften me to become empathetic, not harden me to become bitter. Lord I am struggling. Lord I will fall. Lord I already have many times. Please Lord. I am yours. Do your way with me.
 
Amen

Relativity

Relativity:
 
In physics relativity is a word you hear a lot… what it essentially means is that the measurements you make are relative to your own movements and therefore not exactly “Accurate” from a theoretical “Stand Still”
 
For instance… we see a shooting star go whizzing by us and we think “Man it is moving so fast!” But here is the thing…. we are currently on an earth, which is both spinning and moving fast, in a solar system which is rotating fast, in a galaxy which is moving fast… This raises a number of possibilities.
 
1) The shooting star really is moving ridiculously fast, even faster than we are.
2) The shooting star is actually moving slower than we are, and we’ve overtaken it
3) The shooting star is moving at an average speed, but in the opposite direction as us, which makes it seem to be moving uber fast
 
As you delve into how relativity affects things, you realize that the speed at which an object is moving is not NEAR so important as the acceleration it took to get to that speed.
 
For instance, if you were in a movie car chase (DISCLAIMER: Don’t do that, it’s really dangerous) and your car was speeding at 100km/h and you jumped onto the car moving 101km/h, it would be a lot less lethal than if you jumped onto a car moving 101km/h when you were standing still. (unless you slipped then you’d just be dead either way)
 
Or consequently, you would be much more likely to survive a car coming at you at 15 km/h standing still, than if you were being thrown straight at it 15km/h the opposite direction of where it was going.
 
Are you still with me? Need a moment to de-science your brain? Need a lemonade? A backrub? I can wait…
 
So where am I going with this?
 
Pain is relative.
 
I do not mean this in the way many buzzfeed articles like to use relativity as in “Reality is different for each and every person. You really just have to find your own truth and live by it.” NO! Truth is truth. The car going 100km/h is STILL going 100km/h even if you are going 100km/h with it.
 
Truth is truth whether you see it or not, or whether you notice the effects as much as someone else or not. It’s still truth. But realize it is not the speed of which we are going, but how it compares to the speed we started that affects things.
 
I see a lot of people who say to others, “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO FEEL BAD BECAUSE ____ IS GOING THROUGH MUCH WORSE!” or people who will say about themselves “Well I feel horrible, but I must be weak to feel this way, after all, there are people who go through _____” Or even still, people who say to me “Wow… after hearing what you just went through, I feel bad about complaining about _____!”
 
No! There is no scale of pain, where you have the right, or no right to feel weak. The question is not, “What are you going through.” but “How does this compare to what you are normally weak in?”
 
Let’s say for me…. I live in chronic pain. I have for as long as I can remember. Every time I move my joints there is bone grating against bone and it hurts like crazy. When someone like me rolls my ankle (save for when I then drop an autoscrubber on it) it really doesn’t affect me much. I feel stiff for the rest of the day and then keep going on. In fact I fall to the ground rolling my ankle at least once every other week. It’s kind of normal for me.
 
Am I then going to snort and laugh at pro athletes or friends who roll their ankles and have to get carried off by two people, have it held up with ice against it, and possibly can’t walk again for weeks???
 
No of course not!
 
My body is not their body. My normal is not their normal. I can empathize with the frustration and pain, but just because it is my state of normal, doesn’t mean I can then go and roll my eyes at how week and wimpy everyone else is.
 
Our bodies, hearts, and minds need time to adapt to the changes. They need time to slowly rev up to the next stage. Over the years I have talked with broken hearts, frustrated children/parents, rape victims, addiction strugglers, people worried about their grades, people worried about when their next meal will come, people worried about themselves, people worried about those around them….. in all these cases they are still in pain… That is a constant.
 
Pain is not a state of being, as much as a stage of transition. The further the transition for us, the more pain we notice and feel.
 
I say this not to justify people to give up and just seek others to take pain from them… no, pain is very much a part of life. It’s our greatest teacher though also threatens to destroy us if we reject it.
 
I say this to let you know, you aren’t weak. You aren’t worthless. If your life problems seem so absolutely petty compared to someone else’s it is not a sign that you’re too weak to get through life. It’s not a sign that you should just give up now.
 
Don’t obsess over the things you cannot do! Focus on what you can do, leave the rest to God. As you face what you can though, you’ll find yourself adapting, and growing, becoming stronger and stronger. You may rarely feel it as life tends to hold struggles no matter who you are, but others will.
 
Life is tough, but you aren’t alone! You can do this! Hang in there!

Random Truths

Random Truths I’ve Noticed:
 
1. Life is unfair… but be thankful it is or we’d all be dead…
 
2. Hardships will always bring about change. You cannot control this… It will either make you bitter or stronger. But which one you become IS something ONLY you can control.
 
3. The people in this world are not out to get you… in fact, most who hurt you will barely even think of your existence… they are too focused on their existence to notice yours so don’t take it personally.
 
4. There is a war going on… it is a MUCH bigger war than just people. So seriously… stop blaming the world’s problems on people… you won’t win that way…
 
5. Life keeps on going… No matter how much you need to slow down, it will keep on relentlessly going… but at the same time no matter how badly you can mess up, it will keep on going
 
6. Results do not signify effort put in. Effort does not signify results you will get.
 
7. You can’t live in someone else’s body. Nor can they live in yours. What feels “Normal” or “Painful” or “Sick” or “Bad” is relative to them…. Someone who has lived in pain all their life may never even realize it themselves as they’ve never known a better world.
 
8. Putting in the best effort, as I said before, won’t mean you will succeed at what you’re trying to accomplish…. but putting in the best effort you can, WILL mean you will succeed at something.
 
9. There are no total losses. Even failure grants lessons and experience. If there were anything you could call an irredeemable failure it would be giving up.
 
10. Your fight is never over until you give up
 
11. If you really want to talk to God… just ask… Like seriously.. do you believe that there was a God who created all of this universe, did all the things said in the Bible, yet finding a way to communicate with you is beyond Him?? Pray, desire, listen.
 
12. This life does not rest on your shoulders alone. There is no point to assuming it does.
 
13. The greatest asset you can gain in this world, is other people’s support
 
14. The Lord brings people in our life to support us or test us. In all things though they are meant for your good and His glory. Do not blame others. Do not blame yourself. Praise God that you can grow closer to Him
 
15. A wise man is a man who knows he is not wise.

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers; Pray!

A few times now I’ve asked the question… what do you do when God doesn’t answer prayer? What do you do when instead things just get worse?
 
You watch as your hope slowly goes away. You wrack your brain for what you could be doing wrong. You work yourself to passing out because “Your still standing! That means you can still do more!” Subconsciously you lower your expectations to your prayers because… well you’ve been going for months, and years now of having your prayers not answered… it’s okay… you know the answer… why would it change now??
 
The answer though, at least from what I’m starting to see, is none of those things above.
 
So what do you do when God doesn’t answer your prayers? What do you do when instead your situation continues to get worse and worse?
 
You pray again…. And you believe….
 
Pray and persevere! If you wake up to find that nothing has happened, pray again! Perhaps there is a level of spiritual warfare you are not aware of like in Daniel. Perhaps God is using this to help you grow. But pray again!
 
Is God bound to helping you? Does God HAVE to answer prayer?? OF COURSE NOT! He is God! He doesn’t answer to you and me! He isn’t bound to codes and rules! He is God!
 
But! It is because He is God that you can take faith that He WILL provide. That He WILL answer prayer. Not because He has to, but because it is who He is!
 
But what if He doesn’t answer prayer? Then what will happen to me?? Won’t I just look like a fool desperately whacking my head against this same wall as I slowly drown? What if I’m missing something? What if I was wrong all along?? What if God wants me to do it myself??
 
PRAY! PRAY! PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY!
 
If God wants you to do something differently then ask for Him to show you! If God is waiting for you to do something, Ask Him what it is.
 
Do we serve a God who is mute? Who plays a “hot and cold!” game with us in finding His will? Does He delight in seeing us torment ourselves worrying about if we are doing it right or not???
 
DON’T BE AN IDIOT!
 
If you’re that worried about if you’re doing things right or not, then ASK GOD! ASK HIM! ASK HIM FOR CLARITY! He created the universe with nothing but His voice, do you honestly think He can’t get through our thick skulls to clear things up?
 
I cannot say this enough. If you truly believe in God, then why do people question this so much? Why do people feel it rests on their shoulders alone to determine what’s God’s will and what’s just our own selfishness talking?? If that’s the case you may be better off not believing anything at all! If you don’t believe that God can do so little as explain what He wants you to do when you genuinely want to know in spite of your fear, then what good is it to ask ANYTHING of Him??? Are you turning to God because you truly believe there is a creator far more powerful and wise than you could ever hope to understand?? Or are you simply fulfilling some sugar pill of a reason to have morals.
 
If you believe there is a God then BELIEVE THERE IS A GOD! If you don’t believe God is there, then don’t! How empty a life would we live in if we tried to go half way???
 
And what if God doesn’t answer? Did Abraham see himself turn into a great nation? Did Moses see the promise land? Did the disciples see the return of God??
 
These people devoted their lives to causes they never saw happen in their life times… are they to be pitied? Did they waste their lives that they could have spent building up wealth and security on something they felt might happen yet never did???
 
NO! The Bible praises them. We hold them in high respect for their faith. Even though they did not see the exact thing they were looking for come to fruition, the journey God took them on in their faith rewarded them in ways we do not realize. But even if they didn’t… is it not better to die following God than to live running away from Him?
 
What can this world offer that’s worth living for? Wealth is a cold companion, relationships can feel shallow, people betray us, power is fleeting, fame turns against us… Without purpose and the rock to stand on, are we not just biding time until we die? Is it not better to die living for something than to live to fear dying??
 
And if you do start to doubt… what will happen? Will your life problems suddenly go away because you stopped trusting in God? Will giving life your best suddenly start working because you stopped giving glory to the creator of all things?
 
The only reason that would work is if there was someone pleased enough with your lack of hope to stop fighting you and give you what you want. The only one who would find joy from such a choice would be a devil, and be careful when he gives you what you want. The juiciest bait lies in the deadliest trap.
 
If God does not answer your prayers, that is His choice. That is His right. That is His decision. BUT DON’T STOP PRAYING! AND DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
 
It is God’s choice whether He answers your prayers or not. It is your choice whether you’ll keep believing in Him or not.
 
No matter what trial you face. Be it spiritual, mental, physical, legal, societal, mechanical, or any level of problems you can find yourself in… God CAN save you. God says He WILL look out for us. God says to ask and He WILL answer, provided we chase His will. BUT! Even if He doesn’t. Even if we fall. Even if we lose everything and are laughed and ridiculed out… Even so! I will still follow Him. For He is the only choice there ever has been.
 
Amen

In the Belly of the Whale

What do you do when you’re in the belly of the whale?

I see a lot of posts, and hear a lot of advice from people who laugh and give nostalgic smiles, and say things like

“I used to be like you… full of dreams, full of passion. But I realized that life didn’t work that way. You need to buckle down and work hard. Put aside your passions until your can afford it. Put a fire under you and take on the jobs you don’t like… because even the best jobs are going to have days you don’t like! But God is faithful to those who work hard. Those who have ambition. Those who take life into their own hands and instead of waiting for him to do something make something with what they have! Remember the parable of the talents!”

But the problem is… what if your dreams and passions are to keep food on your table and a roof over your head? What if it’s not about doing work that’s unpleasant, but being overwhelmed from crying yourself to sleep as your body continues to break down one thing after another? What if you’re dealing with the sins in your life, trying to make responsible choices, but then thieves come, investments fall through, unexpected expenses keep popping up with health and things breaking?

5 years ago, I tried to live life according to my dreams… I took a job offered to me that would bring me closer to the person I was dating, I got an apartment that I could afford and seemed sturdy and safe. My plan was to work my way up and muscle through the grunt labour for a year or two so I could apply for better jobs and put my business diploma to use. Then when I was self sufficient I would marry my girlfriend, and we could live a nice, simple life, trying to help out those in our community around us by sharing with what God had blessed us with.

But as I worked there, I discovered something worrisome. I discovered that my best was below mediocre. I discovered my body was physically not capable of keeping up with the bare minimum requirements needed to keep working.

For an entire year I pushed myself. I lost about 60 lbs (40 of which were in the first 2 months), I saw my doctor, I exercised, I ate well, I pushed myself to the point that I would pass out for two days straight, and was often coughing up blood from the exertion barely being able to speak anymore… and yet not only could I not keep up with those who would simply be chatting or goofing off… my numbers were actually getting worse! I tried applying for other jobs, but my employee profile was tied to my ability to do my job, so my resumes would be instantly thrown out before they were even looked at. I was given a tough choice… quit with no job, or risk permanent damage to my body….

I chose the former and moved back home… then ended up working 6 hours a week for a year which put me into further debt. I wasn’t just a victim… I shop when I’m stressed… sometimes it’s for investments I think can help me move forward, sometimes it’s for distractions to distract me from reality around me. I got to my eyeballs in debt in spite of my applying everywhere and trying every angle I could get… Finally I fasted and prayed, and the next day I was offered a job as janitor at my church that I hadnt even applied for.

Around that time, I started studying Japanese. Originally it was just a step towards learning many languages (make your first your hardest and all other languages will be easy) but during that time, God slowly put Japan on my heart more and more. Till finally I asked Him to send me where He wants and He put Japan on my heart….. But I was up to my eyeballs in debt… and graduated college not university which makes immigration tough! And I knew my parents would hate the idea considering how much trouble I was already in!

So I backed out, justifying it by saying to God, “If you can provide the way there and win over my parents, I’ll study the language because thats all I can do!”

And I continued running… hiding and waiting for there to be less and less obstacles in my path… God offered many opportunities for me to follow… People who seemed eager to help me, contacts in conversation schools and churches… but I put them off… because I was scared… because I felt I couldnt do it… I was Jonah running from Ninevah. Though not because I feared Ninevah, because I feared the land I was in right now.

When I had the injury back in May, I realized I couldn’t run anymore (literally) I realized, it wasnt about trying to find a safe path to follow God… I needed to follow God so HE could lead me down the safe paths. And so I applied for University… I did serious research. I confronted my parents. I studied seriously…. I took myself from If God makes a way” to “I WILL follow Him!”

But now I am in the belly of the whale…. it must have been hard for Jonah… to finally decide to follow God and realize it was beyond his power to do so…. I understand that fully… But what do you do in those situations? When questions like “Where will I live, where will I work, how will I afford these next 2 years until I can go?” Fill your head.

You pray. You pray and you follow God.

The whale that prevented Jonah from going to Ninevah is exactly what got him there.

Pray and follow God. Trust in Him, not your own understanding. Human wisdom and pride are poor companions for following God. Focus on what you can do now. Let God worry about what you can’t do.

You are not making the path. You are following the maker!

You can do it. You are not alone. Amen

The Way Forward

Give God Your Best!
Continue To Strive To Improve
But realize that it is not your strength that can save you.
Realize until God says it’s time for you to be saved you will not be.
 
Is it your own failings that are holding you back? Would your life have been better if you had known about one weakness or another? Do you panic constantly about what sin in your life you can’t find yet that is keeping you from moving forward??
 
Don’t be crazy. If God worked like that how could anyone move forward? Are we not all sinners? Do we all not fall so short of where God wants us to be?
 
If life is not going the way it should then pray. Pray for God to save you. Pray for God to show you all you need to improve on. Pray for God to give you the courage to endure and the wisdom to move forward. But if you cannot think of how to improve, or if you stumble after trying so hard to overcome one sin in your life…. will God keep hitting you until you get it??
 
If there were a sin in your life you knew about but would rather justify or ignore than deal with than that is different. In fact, there will be many who will tell you this is the case as others can pick up the appearance of evil in yourself better than you can… but only you and God can truly know your heart.
 
If you know of sin in your life, deal with it! Even if you fail at dealing with it, keep trying to deal with it! Pray to God for help, He is very reliable when it comes to dealing with temptations! But if you don’t know what you’re doing wrong. If you can’t think of how you can do any better in your old weakness. Should you be beating yourself up on how you cannot move forward?
 
Does God’s plan rest on your shoulders? Does God’s plan rely on you having the purity of a saint? Does God’s plan require you to have a greater strength than any other human in the world?
 
God does not ask you to be perfect to complete His plans. In fact the Bible says many times that you never will be perfect.
 
It is not our goal to be perfect and lead His plans. It is our goal to follow Him!
 
God has used liars, cheaters, murderers, and lunatics. Idiots, cowards, the depressed, and the anxious. God CAN use you. God WILL use you. Realize your current circumstances does not rest on your shoulders alone. It is God who will decide what and when your rescue will be. And He will do all things for His glory and your good. So trust in Him!
 
Amen