I was thinking today about PTSD therapy… both how it seems to destabilize your life to it’s core, and also how, when facing it, you can be viewed by other people looking in as a… ‘simpler’ person… someone weak… someone struggling or unable to comprehend even the most basic aspects of life that others seem to understand easily.
I’d been trying to figure out why these two things happen for a while now and I think I’ve finally got a fairly good analogy for it.
We tend to view ourselves as heading down the race of life. The further we progress down this path, the more knowledge we gain and the stronger we go. We need to hit all the checkpoints in the right order to progress, and those who seem to be missing some of these checkpoints, be it an achievement like a career, financial security, marriage, children, or something intangible like self worth or an understanding that you probably won’t be attacked on purpose, we assume their progress has halted AT that checkpoint where they are still standing now.
In reality, our lives are more like a tree. As children we start to sprout branches of foundational concepts that the rest of our world view will be built upon.
“Don’t hurt others.” “Pain is bad.” “There is love in this world.” “Experimentation brings progress.”
These foundational branches of logical deduction grow as we age becoming stronger and more robust through our experiences, and further logical deductions branch off from them.
“Don’t hurt others. -> People Like it when you do good things for them -> People like different things than you may like -> it feels good to help others” etc
These branches form built on the observations and repetitive confirmations we receive through childhood through our teens, to adulthood and all the way to the end of our lives.
However, some of us… in fact I would go so far as to argue MOST of us though we may not always realize it; have branches that grow the wrong way. Be it from the environments we are raised in, or a freak accident that bends and breaks the branches growing, we form branches that instead of reaching towards the sun as they should be, curl downwards towards the ground where they risk
withering and growing rot. The branches that are affected like this in childhood are ESPECIALLY troublesome as many are close to the trunk and become the foundation of many of our beliefs and the way we view the world.
I should point out, that not EVERYTHING that branches off from these damaged branches are bad. In fact, there can be many that angle back up to the sky and become some of what many consider our better qualities. But as the branch continues to grow lower and lower, even some of our better qualities can come at a painful and destructive cost.
To fix this, we need to go back to the source of the damage and prune it. We need to cut the branch on an angle so that it will regrow in the proper direction. We need to approach it methodically and carefully as to not ruin it forever but instead allow it to regrow safely, the way it was intended to. But we also need to realize that there is a heavy cost to this pruning, especially if the damage happened long ago.
Many new branches have sprouted off of the damaged branch, and to prune the damaged branch will mean affecting them as well. Branches both good and bad will fall to the ground and many of the things we have grown from and learned to rely on will be brought into question.
However; with time and attention, the branch will regrow, and while it will never be the same as it was before, the other branches that sprouted from it will grow back as well. It is a slow process, and one that will quite likely change the look of the tree forever, but something that is essential for the tree’s survival and will allow it to grow stronger than before.
Below is just a single one of the many branches I need to fix. One of the core branches that I have struggled with for years due to things I had dealt with growing up. The concept that my own life and happiness are worthless. From it, many negative views have sprouted and held me back. A lack of self preservation. Not bothering to mention when something hurt me or fight back if it was just me getting hurt. A lifestyle of pushing myself to the point that I permanently damaged my body, and a lack of value that led to suicidal thoughts.
But there were also good things that sprouted from it, and things that are hard to let go of. A strong value of others that came from feeling like it was too late for me but I didn’t want anyone else to become what I did. A desire to help others, even at the cost of my own comfort. An ability to realize that I am not always right and that there are things I don’t understand or agree with that are still valid.
As I work on pruning this branch, I feel all these aspects of my life being affected and changed… but at the same time I have hope that the good aspects can come back stronger by sprouting from a less self loathing source. That it is possible to care for yourself and for others.
It’s a long journey to recovery, and quite honestly, the recovery process feels more unsettling than the actual thing you are curing often enough. But it’s a recovery worth fighting for.
Again I say, don’t be afraid to turn for help. Don’t be afraid to deal with problems from years ago. It may feel like you’re regressing to a child at times. It may feel like you’re throwing away a lifetime of experiences at others. But you aren’t! You HAVE grown, and that growth will stay with you and let you come back stronger. But sometimes we need to move backwards to move forwards.
Mac Yaks 