As I read the story of the disciples in the storm where they cried to wake Jesus so he could save them… I can’t help but wonder…
If their faith hadn’t faltered, would the storm have gotten worse?
Would it have continued until they were battered and beaten against the walls of the ship?
Would it have continued till the ship was battered apart into pieces?
Would it have continued until they had floated to land, cold and scared?
If this was the case… wouldn’t God still have protected them? But the path would have been quite a trial…
CS Lewis once wrote “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” and I find I can relate to that a lot… especially these days…
As my funds whither away to nothing… as my attempts to move forward get beaten back one after another… as my paths forward get increasingly less and less as my health checkups reveal problem after problem… As my daily prayers go by and still my circumstances don’t change…. I think it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed….
I am not strong… I simply have forgotten how to give up at this point… there are days I feel like a mutilated corpse, dragging itself forward by muscle memory alone… but even still… even should this whole life prove for not… God is still in control….
I see His hand in the little things in life. I see His comfort come when I ask for it. Though the giants still stand before me, and their execution axe are nearly at my neck…. though I feel chained to the ground by past stupidities and circumstances, and in spite of my cries God will neither loosen the chains nor defeat my attackers… it is impossible to say His hand is not present… it is impossible to say He is not in control. It is impossible to say He has abandoned me or Cannot save me… God is God. God is good. God is always here…
But it is also impossible to say I am not scared… I know God will look out for me. I know God will always be there… but that doesn’t mean there aren’t paths I’m scared to go down…. that doesn’t mean there aren’t paths I’m not scared to trust God even if He decides to take me down them. It doesn’t mean there aren’t paths I pray day after day and night after night that God will pull away from me lest I be forced to face them..
This is probably a lack of faith… This may be even why He does not bring them away until He proves that He is still God when brought through my fears… but that is where I am currently at in my state of human weakness.
But God is still God… God is still good. For all who go through life problems. For all who suffer and strain. For all who fear in spite of weakness…. I don’t know if I can say you’re right or wrong… but I can say you’re not alone…. I can also say that while Jesus did scold the disciples for their lack of faith, He also did dispel the storm in the end… Though I write this from the center of the storm. Though I write this at the peak of exhaustion… All I can say is pray. Give your best and trust in God. At the end of the day it was never your shoulders this was all resting on anyways. God is in control. Let Him be.