Why Do I Write?

Originally Posted July 11 2016

Why do I spam facebook with long messages? It’s actually not to share my vast wisdom with the world, or to convert the nations as a great leader… I have no vast wisdom, nor am I a great leader.

The statuses instead are the results of much prayer over things that worry and bother me in my own life and the world around me. If The answer I find brings comfort to me, I share it in hopes that someone else may feel comfort too. The more stressed or overwhelmed I feel, the more issues I face, the more statuses are written.

I wish I were a stronger…. I wish my faith were stronger to… Still I find myself falling for the same problems time and time again, no matter how much I know I should not.

I fear criticism of people and go out of my way to seek their praise. I have come to find I am not someone people can understand easily. Every action I take is to affect the path 5-10 steps down the line, across 5-10 different problems. Because of that, people focused on the immediate problem at hand tend to freak out at my methods saying they are nonsensical and don’t make sense. Over the years this has turned from frustration to paranoia to downright fear. Peoples’ criticisms affect me too much I know… The desire to be in their good books as well… The answer is simple, I should realize the only opinion that matters is God’s who already knows my heart, but acting out this way is hard.

I tend to get frustrated about things outside my control. I want to go down paths that remain shut. I don’t want to be stuck in places I can’t get out of. I worry about events that may never even come to pass. I could spend a lifetime scenario planning what to do if I ever got married, had a sustainable income, had a duty as a supervisory role instead of labour…. But I don’t…. And no matter what I try I can’t get there…. The answer is simple, I just need to trust that God has my future and focus on what I CAN do vs what I WANT to do…. But doing it is hard…

I live my life as a fish out of water wherever I go…. I am a thinker, empath, and tactics person who is constantly stuck in places where you rely on physical ability, endurance, and their biggest criticism of me is I need to stop thinking and just do it… I am someone who is very sensitive to peoples’ emotions and feelings who seems to often attract people with strong feelings who are very numb to other peoples’ emotions… I am an artsy/creative/geeky guy in a world of sports, cars, camping, fighting, drugs, parties, and what not…. I am a person of short bursts of strength and large recharge times, forced to be thrown into test of endurance after test of endurance… I wonder from time to time what purpose I even have in this world when what few strengths I have are considered faults and I am asked to rely on my weaknesses… I know the trick is to realize that God is my strength, and my best strengths are weak compared to His…. But I still find myself relying on my own strength in a depressing and unrewarding life..

So why write about stuff like this? Sure it has some therapeutic appeal, but only for a short time… The bigger thing is this… I am not strong… I am actually quite weak… The things I say or challenge are not because I have it all together and wish you guys did too… But because life is a struggle but it is a struggle worth fighting.

One way or another, to live is to fight… But it is better to fight smart than fight against yourself… I could continue on fighting for things I can’t control but want… For worries and anxieties that bring nothing… My right to experience things that temporarily make the meaninglessness of this life seem not to matter but in the long term leave you feeling emptier than before…. But what does that accomplish? I would rather keep fighting to be the stronger person that seems beyond me than continue fighting for the easier life that matches my strength… But I still have a long way to go…..

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