Change of Heart

Originally Posted July 31 2016

It is not enough to simply change your actions… It is your heart that needs to be adjusted. To simply say “do not be mean, but still hold spite.” Or “Do not look/act but still think lustfully.” such things only build greater.

We live in a world that talks about being ‘born this way’ and how we are prone to some things more than another. In a sense I agree with this concept as some of my largest stumbling blocks, looking back, I have struggled with since I was a child…. But to say the next line ‘accept it and give up, you can’t change who you are.’ That I disagree with.

I am prone to stumbling blocks others are not. I have struggled with areas others have not. But to say that this is all my physiology and unchangeable as I was designed this way? No… That I cannot agree with…

I cannot speak for everyone… Though I can relate and empathize with many… But in my heart, the harder I look, the more I realize this diagnosis is the reverse of true cause and affect.

I struggled with some sins before I knew they were even sins. (Somehow I knew they were shameful and should not be told to others…. But I was a child and never really understood what sin was, thinking it was just punishment for breaking some arbitrary rules God had set in place to make life tricky and test us)

Because I did not accept those issues as ‘sin’ those issues were fed… Because they made me feel good… Because they felt natural…. Because it seemed to make sense at the time… But a sin is never satisfied by being lightly fed. It will continue to grow and grow until it controls every part of your life. It is a force of destruction, meant to hollow out your very heart leaving you empty, hurting, and destroyed.

So by the time I hit a stage where I realized these sins for what they were… Sin…. They were hard for me to fight. Much harder than they would have been for my friends or family who had not been feeding these specific areas for a long time….

So do I find certain sins so impossible to beat because I was designed to do so? Or do I find them so hard to defeat because I have fed them so long that they are much larger than they should be?

If it is the former, we may as well give up. We are designed to have impossible to defeat sins and we serve a sadistic god who seeks pleasure at watching his creation try and work outside the intended usage. There is no love, no joy in such a life. Only disappointment and suffering as you cannot live the way you were designed to live, but instead are forced to try and achieve impossible test results given for the sake of celestial entertainment.

But the Bible doesn’t say this….. The Bible says when God created man and woman that His creation was ‘good’… The Bible states that we were created the way we were for a purpose…. That even those born blind and lame are not a surprise or hinderance for the glory of God…. Those who are sinful or demon possessed may not be following God’s path… But those who suffer from physical defects were…

But the thing was we added Sin to this world… And removed God from our lives…. The way God created this world, we were created the way we were meant to be created, but we were created with a need to rely on Him to be whole…. A need we attempt to replace with sin.

Like a Ferrari engine that is running on bacon grease instead of premium fuel, we attempt to move forwards in our lives on substandard and dangerous powers… And then when the engine gets gummed up, we blame the manufacturer, not the fuel we’re using.

So what is the answer? Dealing with only the actions does not work… Because even if we keep ourselves from sinning from our thoughts… If we keep feeding our sinful desires in our hearts, they will continue to grow and fill our hearts…

What do we do then? How do we fight such powerful forces such as lust, hate, fear, envy, pride, and more?

One answer I would suggest is by switching our fuel….

I am 25 and single… Once you hit 22 it’s like your heart starts to inflate as each year gets harder to be alone… But do I continue looking to fulfil my loneliness by seeking out outlets for lust and desire? Or do I turn to the one who is always with me, always loves me, and knows me better than anyone else.

I watch every day as people make stupid choices we all will regret, and things outside of my control keep coming to destroy everything I care about. Do I continue to panic about how weak I am and how I’m trying so hard just to fail more and more? Or do I find courage and peace knowing the ever loving Father is in control of all paths and nothing goes outside of His control. That if I keep chasing after Him, He will make paths where none are to be seen.

There are people who tick me off… A lot… They manipulate people I care about, act like friends to their faces and then roll their eyes and groan behind their backs, and worse of all, play off peoples’ trusting nature to pretend to be part of a faith they refuse to live or believe themselves…. Do I let my anger grow inside me until I cannot see straight? Or do I trust that we serve a God who controls who is judged and why… And then realize He is a God who wants even the most offensive of fools to one day turn back to Him and as such Has far more patience than me… Which is rather humbling…

I am able to do things… I may not be a prodigy at anything… But I have a deep understanding of a lot of stuff… I genuinely care about others and go out of my way to help them… I work my absolute hardest to learn and find paths where there are none… I seek wisdom and love and strength…. And yet Im a nobody… I know 13 year olds who have more impact on more people in society by recording themselves screaming at a screen and wearing revealing clothes than I will probably ever have in my life. I’m an outsider, average, I cannot accomplish half of what I feel others can giving out a 10th the effort I do…. Do I let myself grow bitter and frustrated at how my clearly superior actions and being are not being rewarded the way I feel they should be? Or do I take comfort from the fact that I was never doing this for my own gain or popularity… That I was always doing this for an audience of one…. A great and powerful God who sees all things and knows all things and rewards me in ways I never even realized were rewarding?

Does this stop you from feeling emotions you don’t want? No…. It’s a constant battle to try and put your sinful thoughts back to God… One that I fail quite often…. But something happens to sinful thoughts when you turn them back to God….. You may have these emotions boiling in your heart and growing for weeks…. But the moment you turn them back to God they no longer grow… They shrink… They almost vanish…. The hurt still stays like a bruise…. But the ever growing pain and immersive hate is gone…

Realize in all things, God is in control, God is powerful, God is our Goal


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